Condo Hotel Center: Property
Alert
November 25, 2008
A Thanksgiving Message and
a Couple of Laughs Too
 Hello. Joel Greene here at Condo Hotel Center.
For the past few years around Thanksgiving, I’ve taken a moment to look back and reflect on all the things I'm thankful for. In my personal life, I have an abundance of blessings.
Professionally, 2008 has not been a banner year for Condo Hotel Center. I don't think we're alone. The economy, and real estate in particular, has had a rough ride, as I'm sure you know. But that doesn't mean we can't look back on 2008 and share a laugh.
Every year, because we're so visible on the web, we get dozens of misguided inquiries. We always have a good time responding to them. And based on the nice feedback you’ve shared with us in the past, it seems that you enjoy reading our humorous responses too.
So today, rather than tell you about a new condo hotel property, here’s my annual look back at some of the e-mails that made us chuckle. I hope you enjoy!
Dazed and Confused, or a Little Bit of Both
(And if they weren’t before, they most
certainly were after reading my response.)
Inquiry: I own a condo hotel unit in Miami. Do I have the right to sell my unit as a fractional property of which I own a fraction?
CHC Reply: Fractionally speaking, if you own a fraction of a fraction, you need to refer to the fraction of the contract that describes your fractional use to determine if your fraction of a whole, where you own just a fraction of that fraction, can be sold as a fractional.
Of course, it goes without saying that you can’t sell your fraction as a whole, unless other fractional owners of your fractional will sell enough fractions of their fractional too.
* * *
Inquiry: I am intrigued by the Veer Towers in Las Vegas. If I decide to purchase based on a 30-year loan, what sort of guarantee do I have that the buildings will stay that long?
CHC Reply: The developer will give you the same guarantee as he gets--that is, that you will live 30 years from the date of contract to ensure that you pay back all 360 monthly payments.
Inquiry: I am wondering if there is a buy-back program in case the property eventually implodes the way most places on the Vegas strip eventually do.
CHC Reply: If the developer implodes the building, your unit would have considerably less value than it would when it is delivered to you in brand new condition. However, I’m sure the developer will pay you back market price for your pile of rubble, crumbled concrete and rebar.
Inquiry: It is a transient city as we both know.
CHC Reply: Actually, the city hasn’t moved once since it was officially founded in 1905, the same year the railroad came to the area. I think you were given inaccurate information.
* * *
Inquiry: Hi, I'm considering buying a condo hotel unit in a high-rise building. But how do residents get their stuff up from the garage? I think it would be too inconvenient to make so many trips down to the car and carry all my groceries up every time.
CHC Reply: Serge, this is a common problem that all high-rise owners have to face. There are many options to make this obstacle more palatable. Here’s what others have found works well for them, but there is no right choice that fits everyone.
1. Eat like a snake. Have a giant rat or small deer delivered to your home, and swallow it whole. Eat once a month.
2. Eat a diet made up entirely of rice and bread. These are lightweight groceries easily carried that will last a long time. Limited shopping required.
3. Consider a soup diet where you add your own water. Lipton soup boxes are very lightweight. This is delicious as a meal or when served with white bread, rice or a giant rat.
4. Pick through the trays of remaining food left in the corridors by your neighbors who ordered room service.
5. Consider growing your own food in your apartment. Raise livestock in your extra bedroom.
6. Drop off your groceries with the valet, and have him wheel them upstairs on a cart for you. Now this is important. Insist that he leave the packages at your door, but do not let him in the apartment!
If he gets a whiff of the livestock in the guest bedroom he may report you to the condo association, as this is a violation of HOA rules. Best to play it safe. If he suspects something, tip him well, and make a friend. Maybe even invite him up for a bite.
* * *
Inquiry: Please advise to where one can send their resume.
CHC Reply: I’m no rocket scientist, but wouldn’t it be best to send it to whomever you're applying to for a job?
* * *
Inquiry: Could you sell my Mona Lisa condo hotel for a very good commission?
CHC Reply: Marie, this seems a bit unorthodox. How much would I have to pay you to sell it?
* * *
Inquiry: I am brokering an investment deal in your country on behalf of a late client
in our firm.
CHC Reply: I would assume that if your client has died, he may be less interested in pursuing real estate investments at this time. Have you asked him, and if so, what did he have to say?
Inquiry: This deal will involve the eventual investment of USD $25 million in real estate and other small businesses. I am by this letter offering you partnership in business, so as to make you the representative and manager of invested funds in your country.
CHC Reply: What would your client say about your inviting me in on this partnership? How will we split things, 3 ways? Since he’ll never know, can we cut him out and keep his share and go 50-50?
Inquiry: Since I cannot determine if this e-mail is still functional and also your willingness to participate, we have kept this proposal brief.
CHC Reply: Of course, I understand. That is the prudent thing to do when working on proposals for the dead. Make sure that at least one other party besides you in the transaction is still breathing.
Inquiry: If you are interested in this offer of partnership, please respond and give me your direct email address, telephone and your company's full contact information and profile. In response I will send you an elaborate proposal and details of this offer.
CHC Reply: I’m very interested, but I have a lot on my plate right now. Can I proceed with this transaction after I too have expired?
* * *
Inquiry: As the W Fort Lauderdale Hotel and Residences will be completed soon, l believe your hotel needs mirror defoggers to keep the bathroom mirrors fog free.
We are professional manufacturers of mirror defoggers in China. Our mirror defogger has a 0.4mm thick electric heating pad that keeps the mirror fog free. Who is the correct person with whom to discuss our product?
CHC Reply: Maisie, there seems to be a mistake.
Our W guests are very finicky people. They know what they want, and they are willing to pay to get it.
We surveyed our loyal customers to ask them, “What would be the number one feature we could offer to make you return to our W Hotel in Ft. Lauderdale year after year?”
The #1 answer was temperature-controlled toilet seats with pre-settings for a family of five. Most W customers prefer to have their seats cooled in the summer to a moderate 76 degrees but warmed to 81 degrees on the coldest days of the winter.
Is your product versatile enough that it could be used on toilet seats perhaps, as if it can, I’d like to know the pricing for a bulk purchase of 300 units.
Follow-up Inquiry: Joel, you asked if our product can be used on toilet seats, however, our product is used on the bathroom mirror, to keep the mirror fog free. It is a daily issue that when you step out from the shower, the bathroom mirror is full of steam.
Our mirror defogger can keep the mirror fog-free even in the steamiest conditions, no longer need to wipe the mirror before shaving or putting on make-up. As now, more and more resorts adopt this touch of luxury to their bathrooms, l believe it will also benefit your hotel.
CHC Reply: Maisie, we checked with our W customers again, and not all of them use the mirror each day. Some don’t even shower. But all of them say they use the toilet. I must insist on heated toilet seats if we are to do business. If not, I thank you anyway.
Job Hunters
Inquiry: Having been given your company name by a collaborator of yours, I would like to inquire for job vacancies you might have.
I have attached a copy of my résumé for your perusal and consideration of employment, and I look forward to a reply in the very near future.
CHC Reply: Mr. Godfrey, please tell me when in the very near future you would look forward to a reply so that I can mark it in my calendar. I could reply now, but if you’re not even looking forward to it at this point, I prefer to hold off until you are ready. Please advise.
* * *
Inquiry: I found your web site from search engine, and I really want to work with you, if you will kindly give me a chance. I am capable of communicating in different languages. I have strong interpersonal skills. Therefore I request you for my appointment. Thank you, MAQSOOD.
CHC Reply: Maqsood, I’m sorry to inform you that our company has a very strict hiring policy. We are a U.S.-based firm. Inasmuch as English is our main language, we expect all applicants to have proper English writing and spelling skills. While your resume is very impressive, your name is a major violation of our English language.
Maybe having an “s” following a “q” is acceptable where you are from, but I assure you that it most certainly is not acceptable here.
Any child who has passed third grade knows certain basic rules apply in English. And while you may have learned the rule of “I” before “E” except after lunch, you obviously did not learn that the only letter that may follow a “Q” is a “U”, else we may have to sleep with our qsilts, qsestion authority, and our friends in the UK would sing “God Save the Qseen.”
If you wish to work with our respected firm, I must insist that you legally change your name and provide written evidence that you have done this.
* * *
Inquiry: I am looking for seasonal employment, 11/1/08 throught 5/31/08. I would like to find out how to apply in the Jupiter Hotel on Donald Ross Road.
CHC Reply: We are not the hiring firm for this property or any other. Therefore, I can only assist you in selecting a seasonal fruit. This time of year, watermelons are juicy, nectarines are at their sweetest and you can never go wrong with bing cherries. Don’t overdo it, or you’ll get a tummy ache. Happy eating.
Just Plain Weird
Inquiry: We are not interested in locking up 200K - 400K on a property. Let me know your thoughts.
CHC Reply: I wonder if I chose the right career path. Would I have been happier as a stand up comedian? Would I have made a good living doing it? Was the vasectomy decision too hasty? The kids are growing up so fast, and I did just buy that new digital camera.
Should I have wasted the money on the hair transplant? Am I better off spending $2,000 for a weekend vacation in the Bahamas or would I be better off staying in Florida for a whole week for the same amount of money? Sure would be nice if one of my buyers would let me use his Atlantis unit for a week.
Should I give in and get a dog for the kids even though I know I’ll end up having to take care of it? And which breed? Will I need to fence in my yard if I get one or is it unfair to always keep a dog inside?
Will my father ever stop repeating his same old stories? If I have to hear about keeping muscle mass after 30 by exercising one more time, I’ll scream.
I need to trim some dead branches from my palm tree, and the brick pavers need weeding again. Speaking about trimming, I could use a hair cut.
Should I have turkey burgers for dinner or do the Asian lettuce wraps thing with Jackie instead? Just got my carpets cleaned, and I’m wondering if it’s ok to wheel my chair back into my office yet?
Should I get my work out done before the kids get home from school or should I wait and see if they want to go for a bike ride, homework status permitting. Should I have gotten the tiles cleaned at the same time that we had the guy already out here cleaning our carpets?
Who’s gonna win on the Biggest Loser? Will David Archuleta go all the way and become the next American Idol? If I do the turkey burgers, should I make a pasta dish with it or healthier sweet potato french fries? Is there an easier way to clean the George Foreman grill after making turkey burgers? Could I line it with foil, or will that ruin it somehow?
When will I find time to get my taxes done when I feel compelled to answer questions like these, knowing how time consuming they can be? Sure is a good thing I type quickly. Yeah, definitely turkey burgers and fries… but with a bun or naked? Or should I wear shorts when I eat them?
I’m sorry, what was your question again?
* * *
Inquiry: Hi - not sure if this is the right place. I just saw a story about the man who gave up some land and profit for an eagle sanctuary. If that's you - GOD BLESS YOUR HEART. That has restored a little that's been lost to greed.
CHC Reply: No, this is not the right place, but I do get misdirected e-mails like yours all the time.
Sadly, I’ve never owned land to give up and have only seen an eagle once, when I visited Alaska 10 years ago, so it was definitely not me. However, if your faith in humanity has been shot, I feel compelled to share the following info with you.
My 9-year-old twin girls came home from school on Thursday announcing that we have two new pets. Inside two empty 6-ounce bottles of water, they had each captured a grasshopper and added a stick, some grass etc. for it to stay on.
I checked, and there were breathing holes poked in the lid. Still, it bothered me to see anything trapped in a little bottle like that. I mean, what kind of existence is that for an outside insect? So, on Friday morning, I appealed to their sense of good, asked them to release them, and was surprised to see them both agree to go outside and set them free.
Not exactly worthy of a call of thanks from the president or a meeting with the Pope, not even a key to the city from the mayor. However, in my own small way, I felt that I made the world a better place. Of course, in retrospect, one of these days, they’ll probably be eaten by an eagle from the local sanctuary.
* * *
Inquiry: You probably forgot about me, I am the stupid guy who wrote you last month about a summer job in Aspen and thought you were an Aspen hotel. I am really sorry to bother you, again, but since I saw that you were a real estate broker, I thought that you may be able to help me out. I am going to go to Aspen to work for the summer. I found a job, but they can't seem to offer me any housing. Got any suggestions?
CHC Reply: Maybe you should consider roughing it, buying a tent, sleeping in the back of the property by the dumpsters and the coyotes. They won’t bother you if you act like you are not scared. They sense fear.
If that doesn’t work, as soon as you realize you are being attacked, pee in your pants, as the salty scent is a turn-off to them and will ruin their appetite.
By the way, I find this also works with overly-affectionate women. If you are a chick magnet like I am, this advice is worth its weight in gold!
Inquiries from People Who Think We Book Hotel Rooms
Inquiry: I am interested in knowing if a baby shower can be held at this facility?
CHC Reply: Liz, I cannot give you an answer to this question without requesting more information. First, I need to request a photo of the parents of the baby in question, if you don't mind.
Y'see lately, we've been trying to upgrade the quality of our clientele. The mandate just came down from our headquarter office in Topeka about "raising company standards."
I know you may think I'm kidding about this, (I only wish it wasn't true) but you should see some of the people that we have had mulling around our lobby lately.
Here are pictures of the last few couples that have held their baby showers in our property, necessitating these new rules and regulations. I do hope you understand.
 
Milford and Daisy Griffen
(That's Daisy on the left).
 
Freddy and Tina Taft
(Actually, they were kind of cute together).
 
Henry and Taylor Duggan (Henry is a TV star. You may have seen
Henry recently on the latest episode of "How to catch a Predator.")
Liz, I'm just kidding around with you. These are not hotel guests. They are actually pictures of the wait staff and bartenders who will assist you at your function. When can we expect your visit, as it would be our pleasure to have your baby shower here?
On second thought, maybe you should come in to make your reservation in person, as we do have some paperwork that needs to be taken care of. Ask for me in the management office, unless you see me outside having a smoke. Here's my photo, just so we don't miss each other. Maybe you can send me one of yours?
Joel Greene, Hotel Manager,
Voted #1 Employee For
Excellent Customer Service
for the past 7 years.
* * *
Inquiry: Hi, my fiancé and I are planning a wedding this time next year, and we would like to know if your place of business can organize wedding receptions on the beach or on a deck, if you have one. Also, do you allow outside caterers to come in? Thanks for your help.
CHC Reply: Sandy, yes my place of business can organize your wedding reception, but not on the beach, as I am quite fair skinned and I do burn easily.
Would you mind holding your affair in my real estate office instead? We will simply need to move around some plants and file cabinets to make room for chairs. As for catering, yes, you can bring in your own guy or, since we have a business account with Dunkin Donuts, we can save you 15% on all the donut platters and coffee you may need.
Which dates did you have in mind, and how many people are you inviting? Upon getting these questions answered, I’ll be able to give you an estimate for the cost of the party. Mazel Tov!
Rabbi Joel Greene
Follow-up Inquiry: Thanks Joel, I appreciate your getting back with me and offering your real estate office. However, we are looking forward to having our wedding reception on the beach. Thanks anyways!
* * *
Inquiry: My wife and I will be traveling to Miami from September 11th to 15th. Can you send me the prices?
CHC Reply: Rodolfo, at this time we do not have a firm asking price for the city of Miami. Instead, we are considering all serious offers over $6.8 billion. All Letters of Intent must be submitted by July 1 at 5 p.m. and must be accompanied by a $50 million refundable good faith deposit made out to the “City of Miami County Clerk Office.”
Our selection committee will review all formal presentations behind closed doors the first week of July, and we expect to make our recommendation to the mayor’s office by July 10th.
With any luck, by the time you make your visit, your offer will have been accepted and you will become the new owner of our fair city. We wish you all the luck in the world.
Joel Greene
President, Selection Committee
City of Miami, Florida
Follow-up Inquiry: I was just asking about renting a unit for only 4 nights.
CHC Reply: I’m sorry sir, but the city is not for rent as a whole or as individual units. You might want to contact the city of Hallandale in Broward County. I believe that they are for rent, although quite possibly only on a weekly basis. Good luck!
* * *
Inquiry: How do I get information on making a 3-night reservation for July 2008?
CHC Reply: I’m guessing that they have seminars that teach that kind of skill, though I really don’t know where you’d find one. Try your community college.
* * *
Inquiry: We are interested in a two bedroom, two bath condo hotel in South Beach December 3rd - 8th. If there is a one bedroom with two baths and two beds, that could work as well.
CHC Reply: We are rather busy in December, as you must have suspected. We are completely out of one and two bedroom units at that time.
I can, however, push two beds into the janitor’s office/washroom, if that would work for you. He may need to get into your room for his cleaning supplies and to dump mop water, but otherwise, he’ll be out of your way. Would this be acceptable to you? How many people are in your party, and will you be paying with a Master Card or Visa, please?
* * *
Inquiry: I want to confirm if your apartment is still available for rent. I would like to rent your house for 15 days for friends who will come there on their honeymoon. It’s my gift to them, since I cannot attend their wedding. Let me know if there is any vacancy for the month of April.
CHC Reply: Michael, I live in my home with my wife and twin girls. It is not for rent. By the way you did not attend my wedding back in 1994 either. I wonder if you would pay half of our monthly mortgage payment as a very belated honeymoon gift to us too. My mortgage is with Wells Fargo. May I ask them to split the next statement and send you your half to this email address or would you prefer it be sent by snail mail?
Just Plain Weird Inquiries
Inquiry: Is it true that Grimaldi's Pizzaria is opening here?
CHC Reply: Actually, Grimaldi got a better offer to open up his pizzeria at the nearby Marriott, but we were very lucky to snag his sister, Griselda. She is a world-renowned chef specializing in exotic and authentic Asian meats and insects. You’ve never lived until you’ve tasted her sewer rat satay, chihuahua fu yong or flying palmetto bug fritters.
Inquiry: Do you have a date for the restaurant's opening?
CHC Reply: Barbara, I’m flattered, truly. Thank you. Unfortunately, I have to take a pass as Griselda has already agreed to be my date for the opening. It’s actually our third date, so I’m hoping to get lucky.
Here’s a picture of her that I keep in my wallet. One day I hope she’ll marry me, because I’ve never met another woman quite like her!!! On the outside, she is every bit as beautiful as a world-class model, (she reminds me of a young Elle McPherson), and on the inside, she’s a delicate flower.
But, I realize that she could have any man she wanted, and should things change, I would certainly like to give you a call. Would you mind sharing a picture of yourself with me? Here’s one of mine taken before I got the pectoral implants.
Sure hope to see you at the grand opening party. I’ll make sure to e-mail you an invite as soon as we set the date. Till then, Barbara…
* * *
Inquiry: Please send condo hotel data sheet for Trump Dubai to Padmanabha Rengabhashyam.
CHC Reply: Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel. Is there an “A?”
* * *
Inquiry: Can you tell me when the charter high school is scheduled to be open?
CHC Reply: I’ve just called the Florida school superintendent to get an answer for you. He tells me that the doors are scheduled to open at 7:30. Classes are starting at 7:45.
If you are thinking about becoming a crossing guard, however, you need to be there no later than 7:25. If you are late three times, you will be relieved of your crossing guard duties.
* * *
Inquiry: Hi! When do you think your golf course wi
CHC Reply: Teri, I'm on the edge of my seat eagerly anticipating your next syllable.
* * *
Inquiry: RE: Information that you requested for Castello di Casole.
Got it. Thanks!
CHC Reply: Please see a doctor about it immediately, and get something before it spreads.
Wrap Up
Well, I hope you are laughing and that you found these inquiries and our silly replies amusing (and not too offensive). All in a day’s work here at Condo Hotel Center.
Kidding aside, I have just a couple of quick reminders:
Please do check back from time to time to see our new featured properties. It is not possible to do a Property Alert for each project that we add. Our newest listings appear at the top of this page: http://condohotelcenter.com/condo-hotels/featured-properties.html For instance, just this week we added a new condo hotel in Morocco and our first new property in Curacao.
In closing, to all of you, our Property Alert subscribers, I want to thank you for your business, your trust and your friendship. This year was understandably quieter than the past few, but I do hope to be hearing from a lot more of you in 2009. May you have a sensational Thanksgiving with your families. We wish you health, happiness and real estate profits too in the upcoming year.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Joel Greene
Licensed Real Estate Broker
Condo Hotel Center
13499 Biscayne Blvd., Suite #210
N. Miami, FL 33181
Ph: (954) 450-1929
Joel@CondoHotelCenter.com
www.CondoHotelCenter.com
www.CondoHotelsDubai.com
www.WorldClassCondoHotels.com
www.CondoHotelsBahamas.com
www.CentralAmericaSecondHomes.com
www.DominicanRepublicVacationHomes.com
Want to know more about me? Click below:
http://www.condohotelcenter.com/joel-greene.html
* Copyright infringement is taken seriously by Condo Hotel Center and will be prosecuted.
© Copyright 2008 Condo Hotel Center.
*All rights reserved. No portion of this Property Alert may be reproduced, exhibited or distributed without the express written permission of Condo Hotel Center. Although Condo Hotel Center believes the information contained in this Property Alert to be accurate and complete, Condo Hotel Center can make no such guarantee.
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