A 2007 Thanksgiving Message & a Couple of Laughs Too

Condo Hotel Center: Property Alert

November 20, 2007

A Thanksgiving Message

And a Couple of Laughs Too

Joel Greene here from Condo Hotel Center. As you know, I typically use our Property Alerts to give a description of some terrific condo hotel property that has just come onto the market. But today, I don't have a new property for you.

It's just before Thanksgiving, and I want to use today's Alert to accomplish two things: 1) thank some very important people, and 2) make you laugh as I look back on some of the more humorous moments at Condo Hotel Center. (Trust me, it's good stuff.)

First the Thank You's

I'll try to keep it brief so that this doesn't begin to sound like an Emmy Award speech.

First, thank you to you, our faithful subscribers who continue to read our Property Alerts and forward them to friends. I checked some old records and found that on this day in 2004, shortly after we’d first launched our Property Alert newsletter, we had 1,400 subscribers. Now, a mere three years later, we have over 30,000 subscribers!

Thank you to our loyal clients. You made us your #1 source for condo hotel information and purchases. You trusted our property recommendations. You referred us to friends and family. Much appreciated.

Thank you to the developers who've chosen to work with us - and especially those who gave us special incentives and discounts to pass on to our clients.

Thank you to our on-site property sales agents who helped take good care of our customers.

Thank you to the many reporters who have consulted Condo Hotel Center in writing their stories. This year they included the Wall St. Journal, The New York Times, The New York Post, The Washington Times, The Financial Times, The International Herald Tribune, Florida Investor Magazine and Commercial Property News. We always appreciate the opportunity to add our two cents.

A personal thank you from me to our in-house team of dedicated professionals. You're all terrific, and I am honored to work with you.

Finally, a quick thank you to my family. Jackie, you're a doll for putting up with me and helping me through my most stressful days. To my 9-year-old twins, Lindsay and Haley, know that you contribute in no small way to my stressful days, but I love (almost) every minute.

As you can see, I have a lot to be grateful for. And now, since this is that once-a-year opportunity to use this Property Alert space to write about something other than a condo hotel, let's move on to the fun stuff.

Share a Laugh With Me

As an Internet business, Condo Hotel Center (CHC) receives hundreds of e-mail inquiries each month. Most are from buyers seeking assistance in finding a property and developers who want assistance in selling their condo hotel units.

However, we also get the occasional misdirected inquiry from people trying to reserve a hotel room to job hunters to just off-the-wall questions. Rather than just ignore these requests, we delight in having a little fun with them.

Permit me to share some of the more colorful exchanges with you, although not all of our snappy responses were actually mailed. Some just made the rounds in-house, but I archived them anyway for just such an opportunity.

Read on, and have a good chuckle. After all, it's a holiday week.

* * *

Query: I know the condo hotel building is 20 stories tall, but what floor is the rooftop pool on?

CHC Reply: The 10th.

* * *

Query: Do you have a rental property for December 23, 24 and 25? Please let me know.

CHC Reply: I’m sorry, but we have three wise men staying with us on that day, so there is no room at the inn. I think they said they were from Bethlehem. Suggest you try the Holiday Inn up the street instead.

* * *

Query: I’m general manager of a hotel group in south of France.

I’m looking for 3 single rooms
In on the 3rd of June
Out on the 9th of June.

Could you tell me if you have availability and which is the very best price you could grant me?

CHC Reply: Mr. Wolf, inasmuch as you would be staying with us for the first time, we would like to extend a special 50% off introductory offer to you. Here’s how it will work:

In on the 3rd of June
Out on the 4th of June.
Back in on the 5th of June
Back out on the 6th of June.
In again on the 7th of June
Out again on the 8th of June
Both in and then right back out on the 9th of June.

Of course, this comes with a complimentary breakfast for half of your travelling companions.

We simply need a 50% deposit from you in advance.

Thank you for thinking of us, and we look forward to you staying in our hotel. The bellman will meet you under our porte cochere and will gladly assist you in bringing half your bags to your room.

* * *

Query: What is the length of the lap pool? We are triathletes and need a certain length to make it worthwhile.

CHC Reply: Good news! We have an infinity pool. Just start swimming and keep on going.

* * *

Query: Hello, I am interested in year-round living.

CHC Reply: Most people feel the same way as you do. Dealing with funeral arrangements and insurance companies is such a bummer!

* * *

Query: I need to book 2 double rooms accommodation for me and my family (4 persons). We are coming for vacation in your country from March 20th - March 27th, 2007 (7 nights).

Kindly get back to me with the total cost of booking. Awaiting your urgent response.

Reply: Sir, our country is full that week. Can you consider moving your vacation to April?

* * *

Query: Can you tell me what elevation you are at?

CHC Reply: Carol, I’m in Miami, Florida. Don’t know what the elevation is, but it’s relatively flat, if that helps. What elevation are you at?

* * *

Query: Do you have a website listing of employment opportunities in Las Vegas, NV?

CHC Reply: Sorry, but we’re real estate brokers in Florida. If you want employment opportunities in Las Vegas, maybe try emailing a dry cleaning business in Biloxi, MS.

* * *

Query: Please, please add me to your VIP list for Trump Dubai. I anxiously await the opportunity to be a part of what I consider history in the making for the great country of Dubai, its people, you gentlemen, and of course, myself.

When greatness stares you in the face just like a beautiful woman, you run to it with arms wide open. Well, I see greatness and I am running towards it. You all are on the verge of doing some tremendous things in Dubai.

CHC Reply: I will add you to our VIP list, and I thank you for your nice email. I don’t know why, but after reading it, I feel like I need to take a shower.

* * *

Query: I have 27 years experience as a butcher. Right now I am working in a splendid hotel as a head butcher in Montenegro. I am very much interested to work in your concern.

CHC Reply: My real estate firm has already hired a butcher. What we need now is a baker and a candle stick maker. Do you know of anyone with these skills who you could refer to us?

* * *

Query: What has been the history of selling condo hotels?

CHC Reply: Dating back to the caveman, Jesus Christ, or Donald Trump? Actually, I think it all began with the shooting of Arch Duke Ferdinand in 1917, or was that WWI? I tend to get them confused. What was your question again?

* * *

Query: Maybe you could send me an invitation to your holiday party?

CHC Reply: You are more than welcome to join us at our holiday party. We're an internet company, you know, employees scattered around the U.S., Europe and Asia. So here's how it works:

On Dec. 24, 8:00 p.m., grab a glass of eggnog, sit down at your PC, and join us as we all send each other emails that read "Merry Christmas." It's a blast! Woo-hoo!

Please be sure to type your message carefully. Any typos and the others will know you got a head start on the eggnog. Trust me, you don't want people saying you made an a** of yourself at the company Christmas party.

* * *

Query: Can you tell me who your landscape architect is?

CHC Reply: Juan of Pasquale Landscaping. He mows and fertilizes my home lawn twice a month. Looks pretty good. At least the neighbors haven’t complained. Odd question of a condo hotel broker, but I hope I’ve helped.

* * *

Query: Hallo. Hier bin itch.

CHC Reply: Hallo. Hier bin scratch.

* * *

Query: Hello. I recently visited your website. I sincerely feel that it’s a great resource for music lovers. I would be grateful if you could accommodate our small link on your site.

CHC Reply: I’m wondering how you came to the conclusion that my real estate website was a great resource for music lovers. Personally, I always thought that we would appeal more to steak eaters, swingers, and people who enjoy parasailing.

* * *

Query: Aloha. My name is Marcus. Are you looking for someone with experience to handle the carpet cleaning maintenance at the Trump Towers? We give free estimates.

CHC Reply: Marcus, thank you for your timely email. My daughter was playing with nail polish and accidentally spilled some on our new Berber carpeting. Any suggestions?

Query: .The solution to remove nail polish is acetone or nail polish remover. Just take a white terry cloth rag, dab some acetone on it rub in circular motion re-apply if needed that should work! Good luck. Marcus the Carpet Cleaner...

CHC Reply: Even on carpet? I was afraid that I’d risk making it worse or leaving a new stain.

Query: If you have a little stain left on the carpet from removing the nail polish, you can use a carpet cleaner spotter like they sell at the hardware store, but make sure you use acetone or nail polish remover with acetone or it will not work. So you’re ok to use it on carpet.

CHC Reply: Good man. I am now officially awarding you the contract for all the carpets in Trump’s empire.

* * *

Query: What is the closest airport?

CHC Reply: I did some research, and based on your home address in West Orange, NJ, it looks like it would be Newark.

* * *

Query: What are the normal terms demanded by big name hotel management companies that condominium owners should be aware of?

CHC Reply: No streaking in the lobby. No peeing in the pool. No crashing weddings in the ballroom. No picking food off other guests’ plates once they have paid their bill and walked away. You know, the basic terms you’d expect of a guest in a hotel.

* * *

Query: I am looking for a job in Las Vegas, and willing to relocate if the job is there. Do you have any job openings for a property manager or administrative assistant with 15 years experience?

CHC Reply: Sorry, but we have openings for people with 14 years experience and with 16 years experience. Unfortunately, you are either under-qualified or over-qualified.

* * *

Query: Hello. I would like to get in touch with the management of the Windsor Residence Apartments in Dubai. Can you point me towards them?

CHC Reply: Sir, I’m delighted to point you toward the Windsor, however, since you are not standing next to me, and since you could be anywhere in the world, how can I point you to Dubai? I don’t even know your starting coordinates!

* * *

Query: Are there any condo hotels planned in the future?

CHC Reply: I sure hope so. Otherwise, we’re out of business!

* * *

Query: Hey, the price list you sent, are those today's prices?

CHC Reply: Yes, yesterday’s prices are outdated, and tomorrow’s prices are not yet available.

* * *

Query: Hello, I am a Las Vegas psychic. My wife and I are interested in getting on the list for a condo in Trump Towers.

CHC Reply: I can assist you with a Trump unit, but I am not a psychic like yourself. Therefore, if you don’t provide it, I won’t know your name. Please advise. I bet you knew that I was going to ask your name already.

By the way, if you’d like me to provide you with complete information, I’ll also need to request a mailing address and phone number for my records. But I bet you knew that too.

* * *

Query: What is the price per square foot?

CHC Reply: They are only selling studio, one and two bedroom units. The WHOLE units. It doesn’t matter what they charge per foot, as they do not sell them by the foot.

* * *

Query: Hello from Rhode Island. What is the best rate for a stay in June for a family with 2 adults and 2 children?

CHC Reply: That would really depend on how long you plan to stay. We are a real estate office. We can give you a desk, use of our secretary, copy machine, fax and a phone.

Our rent is $600 month. Your share would be $125, and we'd expect you to bring in Dunkin Donuts and coffee on Wednesday mornings. (I prefer the French crullers, FYI).

We have three fold-out chairs for your spouse and kids. No extra charge.

How old are your children, as for a nominal fee I can offer our babysitting services too. Real estate is slow, and I could use the few extra bucks to make ends meet. I'm raising twins myself and am a wonderful father, if I do say so myself. Maybe we can share pictures some time over lunch.

Uh-oh, my CEO's kid is drinking the liquid paper again. I better run. I don't have a spare bottle, and I have an important memo that needs editing.

* * *

Query: Given that with your luxury ship you have some 300+ very wealthy persons onboard, in potentially hazardous international waters with the very real risk of piracy, what defensive and security based precautions are undertaken?

I only ask out of curiosity, and don't expect an overly detailed answer, which could otherwise undermine your security measures taken. However, you have to admit the ship and its occupants must make for a very lucrative target.

CHC Reply: Have you ever seen those laser lights used for business on-screen demonstrations? Well, every member of our crew has two of them on them at all times.

If ever we are in a hostile take over of our ship, our crew has been properly trained to use these lasers with pinpoint accuracy to blind the pirates.

We've never actually had reason to test this method to see how well it will work, but we are confident that it will.

Please keep our security system strictly confidential. We wouldn't want the pirates to use their ACME hand mirrors and reflect the lasers back in defense.

Thank you for your inquiry and we hope you'll come sailing with us soon.

* * *

Query: Seasons Greetings!!!

I am writing to you on behalf of our very renowned consultancy in the Middle East dealing with recruitments. We would like to work with your group for any human resource requirements you may have.

CHC Reply: Sir, it is mid-March. Which season are we greeting at this time of year?

Query: Summer is starting in Dubai.

CHC Reply: If your summer is starting in March, what season do you have in June, July and August?

Query: That time is extreme summer. Can we do some recruitment for you???

CHC Reply: We are a real estate brokerage firm in Florida. We don’t really need any more employees right now.

If and when we do, I can contact you again. I just need to determine which is the best season to do so.

* * *

Query: Hi. Please send me information regard the Trump Condo Hotel in Panama 10x.

CHC Reply: Here is the Trump Panama information you requested. But I am only sending it once. Perhaps you can just re-open this email 9 more times.

* * *

Query: I am Juli from London. I need to book reservations for my family’s vacation in your town from 17th to 30th January 2007. Get back to me if the dates mentioned above are free, so that we can book reservations immediately. Thank you.

CHC Reply: Juli, I have checked with my town, and they said that you are welcome for a visit during the times that you have specified.

However, I want you to know that the Goldbergs are leaving on a two-week cruise to the Mediterranean on the 15th and will not get to see you. They were very unhappy to miss you, but hope that they can visit with you in London next spring when little Annie goes to Oxford.

Also, George and Carol Davinsky, our newest town members, have asked me to invite you to their home on the 24th for an authentic Polish dinner and a night of polka dancing. You’ll like them. Very friendly people even though George isn’t quite the same since “the incident,” if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the town’s key members are mobilizing into action to throw you our typical welcoming parade and an evening under the stars party that you won’t soon forget.

We are all very excited about the news that you are coming, even little Joey, who has been depressed since his puppy Fred ran away from home a week ago and still hasn’t come back.

All of us search for him an hour every evening, and we refuse to give up until we bring him home. All of us, that is, except Charlie Baxter. He claims that his shingles have been acting up lately. Anyway, we sure would welcome a new pair of eyes to assist, and we can’t wait to see you.

* * *

Query: I’m writing concerning that tramp building. Please up-date with present situation. Thanks.

CHC Reply: Hmm, I think I need clarification to assist with your request. We typically identify our properties by franchise name, location, expected service and price range. We have never identified them by the quality of the clientele. Which tramp building are you referring to?

* * *

Query: What are the growth expectations for these condo hotel units in the future?

CHC Reply: The units will always remain the same size.

* * *

Query: Hello, I’d like to start by introducing myself. My name is Matt. My question is simple, can an average person that is tired of normal day-to-day life achieve financing to build a condo hotel?

CHC Reply: I think any bank would need to know more about what you consider to be a “normal” life to make that decision.

Do you, for instance, weed your own garden or pay someone to do it for you? Do you clean your own dishes or leave them in the sink for your wife to handle for you? If you showered at 6 p.m., would you put on a fresh pair of underwear in the morning, or stay with the same pair?

Are you more likely to watch CNN or the Playboy Channel? Is Matt a real name or do you tend to prefer a nickname, like Sparky? All of this will be factored into whether or not the banks will finance you and at what rate.

Query: Well, to clarify, I mean selling my house and quitting my job and becoming a condo hotel developer-owner.

CHC Reply: I think this could be a sticking point. If you were to do as you say, you’d be homeless and unemployed, and in that event, you would not be a good candidate for a condo hotel loan as you’d have no reliable source of income to pay back the loan. Besides, they wouldn’t have a home address to send your statements to.

Are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?

* * *

Query: I am interested in holding a wedding at your hotel in November. What I would need is a room and catering with up to 25 people, thank you.

CHC Reply: Frank, November is a busy month for most of my staff. They are always busy getting ready for the holidays: Christmas shopping, putting up trees, decorating, you know. Therefore, I can’t count on them to come to the wedding.

Getting you the room would be no problem, but I simply can’t guarantee that I can find 25 people to bring to the wedding. I can come, of course, with my wife and twin girls. (Will you be supplying a clown for their entertainment? They want to know.)

Anyway, in a pinch, I can probably get my in-laws from Boca to come down. Norman will travel anywhere for some free booze. Just don’t serve him appletinis, if you don’t want him grabbing the microphone from your band leader and singing New York, New York while stripping. Trust me. NOT a pretty site!

Y’know, come to think of it, my Aunt Roz and Uncle Jerry usually come down from Scarsdale about that time of year, with their kids and grandkids. I think we can make this happen for you after all.

Do you have a specific date in mind? I’d want to give them as much notice as possible.

Thank you for thinking of us. Can’t wait to see you on the big day. Who’s getting married anyway? Nevermind, that’s just a detail.

Just tell me whom to give my meal order to. I have time to think about it, but I usually go for the steak if it’s an option, especially, if it comes with some sautéed onions and mushrooms. Love that.

OK, work to get to. Just tell me the date, and I’ll start sending out my invites to my top 25, and I’ll start lining up some back-ups, just in case. Really looking forward to this. Thanks again.

* * *

Query: How large is the park that the 2nd floor unit has a view of?

CHC Reply: I have no idea, but I assume that it is as large as the park that higher floors will view.

* * *

Query: I want to work for Donald Trump please tell him want to work for him her is my phone number at-972-555-5555

Reply: .Donald has reviewed your email and told me to give you a message:

There should have been a period after "Trump."
"please" should have started with a capital letter.
You missed a pronoun, "I" after "him."
You also missed a period after "him."
You misspelled "here."
"Here" should have been capitalized.
There should be no dash before the phone number.
You did not put a period at the end of the sentence.

To summarize, there were no less than 8 errors in your one-sentence job application.

So, on his behalf, it is my dubious pleasure to advise you...

YOU'RE FIRED!

Query: I want to talk with him so I can be his friend.

Reply: He says he has enough friends, but thank you anyways.

Query: Yes, but what did he say about me?

Reply: Brian, I never spoke with him, and he doesn’t know about you. I was kidding with you.

Query: Stop kidding around. I don’t like it.

Reply: Then don’t email me a dozen times. You have been wasting my time all day, and I was still kind enough to reply. Good luck and goodbye.

Query: I need to talk to him now. Please let him know.

Reply: No.

Query: Then you please call me

Reply: No thank you. Goodbye.

Query: Please call me

Reply: Nope.

Query: Please

Reply: Let me think about it……………………………………….No.

Oldies But Goodies

The next few queries are some of our favorites from 2006. They’re “old” but still worth a chuckle, so we couldn’t resist including them.

Query: Looking for a great deal on a room for one night, 2 adults and 2 kids. Do you have anything?

CHC Reply: Sorry, Mary, we only offer great deals to families of 14 or more. Do you have 10 friends that you can bring with you on vacation? They should technically be family, but I won't say anything.

* * *

Query: Is it possible to reserve a double-bed room in your Chicago hotel?

CHC Reply: .Anything is possible if you just close your eyes, click your ruby slippers together three times and wish it to be true.

If you don't have ruby slippers, however, you'll need to contact the hotel directly. We are simply real estate brokers selling condo hotel units in this property, and we are not the people you need to speak to about your reservations.

Besides, why go to Chicago anyway? There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

* * *

Query: Hi, I was wondering if these condoms in San Diego are for rent.

CHC Reply: Once a condom is used, it is typically disposed of. I guess you could rent one, but personally, I wouldn't do it. That's just icky.

Hope I've helped. Have fun, but be safe.

* * *

Query: Who may I contact in regards to a corporate charitable donation?

CHC Reply: I don't know that we are worthy, but I'm flattered. Please make checks out to Condo Hotel Center and send them to the address below.

We genuinely appreciate your support of our real estate brokerage company and we hope that we can count on you again in the years to follow.

God bless you.

* * *

Query: .Your condo hotels are a bit out of my range. Do you have anything for us little people?

CHC Reply: .Karen, there are no height restrictions that I know of when it comes to buying condo hotels. Out of curiosity, how tall are you???

* * *

Query: .I have a product that fits in well with high-end condos. I am small and have been trying to get into the market.

CHC Reply: .I'm only 5 ft. 8 inches, so I feel your pain. I suspect that, like me, you weren't a big fan of your milk and vegetables too?

* * *

Query: You are to be congratulated on your website. It is comprehensive and offers 98% (personal opinion) of the information related to this particular type of transaction.

CHC Reply: Thank you. We are working on the other 2% of it now and hope to be done shortly.

Wrap Up

Are you laughing? Hope you found our silly inquiries and replies amusing (and not too offensive). As you can see, we at Condo Hotel Center do manage to have some fun in between all the craziness involved in researching and selling condo hotels.

All kidding aside, I have just a couple of quick reminders:

Be sure to check our Condo Hotel Featured Properties, especially the New Listings at the top. We are constantly adding to our inventory.

If you haven’t seen our newest website, www.CentralAmericaSecondHomes.com, take a gander. We have some terrific (and affordable!) vacation home properties available in Mexico, Costa Rica and Panama.

Finally, a note to developers, the Condo Hotel Symposium in Las Vegas is just 12 days away. There are still a few spaces available. It's not too late to register for this information-packed event.

In closing, to all of you, our Property Alert subscribers and clients, let me reiterate my opening statements. We thank you for your business, your trust and your friendship.

May you have a sensational Thanksgiving with your families. We wish you health, happiness and spectacular real estate profits too in the upcoming year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Joel Greene
Licensed Real Estate Broker
Condo Hotel Center
13499 Biscayne Blvd., Suite #210
N. Miami, FL 33181
Ph: (954) 450-1929
Joel@CondoHotelCenter.com
www.CondoHotelCenter.com
www.WorldClassCondoHotels.com
www.CondoHotelsDubai.com
www.CondoHotelsBahamas.com
Want to know more about me? Click below:
http://www.zoominfo.com/Search/PersonDetail.aspx?PersonID=33519156

* All rights reserved. No portion of this Property Alert may be reproduced, exhibited or distributed without the express written permission of Condo Hotel Center. Although Condo Hotel Center believes the information contained in this Property Alert to be accurate and complete, Condo Hotel Center can make no such guarantee.